So I was out the other night and met a young lady who was engaged to be married. After showing me her ring and telling me about her wedding plans, I asked her a very simple question: ”Why do you want to marry him?” She took an awkward pause and thought, and thought, and thought a little longer and her response was simply…”Because I know he wouldn’t leave me.” I thought for sure she must have misunderstood the question so I proceeded to ask her…”well what do you like about him that would make you want to marry him?” She paused again and to my unfortunate surprise she said “I’m not sure, let me think about it.” And guess who is still waiting on the answer to that question? I was around her for another hour and still no substantive answer.
Out of that interaction was born my motivation for writing this blog! Call me silly for thinking this, but if you are about to commit yourself to someone for the rest of your life and if I asked you why you are marrying them, you should be able to rattle that off pretty quickly; shouldn’t you? I believe we have a very fundamental problem in the world of building productive and healthy relationships when the only reason that a person can come up with as to why they are involved with someone is “because I know he wouldn’t leave me.” The more I coach, the more I realize that so many of our relationship decisions aren’t sustainable or productive because the decisions are coming from a fear of being alone.
Now I know what you all are thinking…well maybe he really is a good guy but she just had a brain freeze, or maybe this or maybe that! For all of you who are looking for a reason to discredit my take on this, I would ask you to take a moment to think about your own life, your own family, and your own friends. I can almost guarantee you that you know someone who is in a relationship, not because the person adds any value to their life, but because they fear the thought of spending their lives alone.
There are a few ironies that I think we must address though. How come it seems like we live in a “me, myself, and I” society that thrives on independence, yet many relationships are built off of fear of loneliness. There is this willingness settle for anything because of a fear of having nothing. The second irony is that when we choose to build relationships of little substance we ultimately end up feeling lonely even within that relationship. Those relationships end up causing more hurt than if you would just have remained alone until something substantive came along.
So as I continued the conversation with this young lady, she said something else that sent off my coaching radar senses: HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM! She said “well if this marriage doesn’t work out I will just get out of it like I did my first one.” I said hold up, wait, let’s back up a minute. Then I decided to just listen because I didn’t have time to dig deeper. Instead, I knew I would have something to write about which is this! How can we have commitments with caveats like that? When did we start leasing marriages and renting mates? Maybe I will save that for another blog though.
So what’s my point? My point is that just like they say that you shouldn’t make decisions when you are mad, you also shouldn’t choose mates just because you are lonely and think they won’t leave you. We must get comfortable being uncomfortable. Being alone doesn’t mean you failed. It just means that you have had time to reflect and understand who you are and what you want, so that when someone asks you “why do you want to marry him/her?” you will be able to list so many things that they might have to nicely ask you to SHUT UP! You should want to be with someone not because they will never leave you, but rather because you don’t want to live without them.
Xklusive Thoughts Fam Get involved in the conversation: If someone asked you why you are marrying your fiancé what things would you say or want to be able to say?
EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT….BLACK MEN ACTUALLY DESIRE LONG-TERM COMMITMENT!
Yes people, even though I know it’s contrary to popular belief and has shocked so many people this week, the idea that a large percentage of black men want long-term relationships came out in a survey this week done by NPR. I won’t go back and give all of the details of the survey, but to give you the gist of it the survey concluded that 43% of black men desire a long-term relationship, while only 25% of black women desire a long-term relationship. NOPE you didn’t read that wrong either so just let it marinate for a second. Okay now that you have gotten over the shock value let’s talk about it…follow me..!
Now I have read through lots of the comments and heard about all of the different weaknesses of the survey or the explanations offered, like, “it’s because black men want to be taken care of and black women are tired of taking care of households and bearing children and having to fix men “sammiches.”
Yeah there are a lot of things I’ve read and I won’t bother to rehash all of them, instead I just want to get real for a minute, because I believe that we have gotten to a point where we spend more time trying to theorize and compete about who is right and who is wrong that we have missed the true essence of marriage and relationships. We spend all of our efforts quoting statistics and blaming one another that we have ignored that no matter how many studies we do, as humans there is one thing that remains consistent. The one consistency is that humans desire COMPANIONSHIP, the desire not to be ALONE, and we want someone to SHARE something with. I’m not talking about that companionship that just comes from your dog either.
Riddle me this!? If no one desires relationships anymore then why do some of the biggest industries in the world revolve around relationships? Between books, seminars, the billion dollar wedding industry, dating sites, online sex…. I don’t see any void in the world of people desiring to be with other people. Check out ANY social media platform and the most discussed thing, whether good or bad, will be about relationships, so the question becomes why do we try so hard to deny the things that deep inside we really desire most!? Someone please explain this to me: How come we will do everything in our power to behave as if we are in a relationship, but then if someone asks we will say I’m not looking for anything.” So you are telling me, that y’all have accounts together, live together, have sex on a regular basis, have a few kids, and don’t allow each other to see other people, but y’all don’t desire a relationship though!? Oh ok…I see! The antidepressant market is continuing to grow (this is the pharmaceutical rep in me talking now) and a high percentage of those patients are depressed because they are lonely and don’t feel fulfilled or wanted. Are you telling me that all that money and great careers aren’t fulfilling enough? Just asking.
People are so surprised by the result of this survey but personally I’m not. It doesn’t surprise me at all that black men actually do want to be in relationships, the bigger question is what are we willing to sacrifice to make those relationships a reality? Are black men willing to give up the freedom of only having to fend for themselves and take on the responsibility that comes with meaningful relationships? The same question goes for black women.
“Maybe black women reported less of a desire because society has told them that they have to be the only ones to sacrifice everything to have a relationship.”
Maybe black women reported less of a desire because society has told them that they have to be the only ones to sacrifice everything to have a relationship. Could it be that if men and women were both willing to make sacrifices that would make relationships and marriages of equal benefit and enjoyment to both parties that maybe this entire survey would be null and void? The truth is that we have become so driven by fear and selfishness that we have put ourselves at constant battle with what we desire as humans. I’m not saying that everyone desires to be married or committed, but I am saying is that even though we say we don’t desire it we sure are doing a whole lot of things that look really similar! Maybe there isn’t as much as a disconnect as we think, maybe it’s just that we keep lying to ourselves and others just to save face! Besides I don’t know many people who TRULY like coming home to an empty house every night.
Xklusive Thoughts Fam get involved in the conversation: What are your thoughts about the recent findings in the survey?
“So many people never find the one, that’s why I really want to tell you something; I really think this is it for me, I really think you’re the one I need.”
Yes as I continued my flight it got really weird as this was the exact next song that came on my Ipod. It’s a Trey Songz song entitled “One Love.” Okay for those of you who missed part 1 of this article it was entitled “When “Fireworks” Aren’t Enough…Chemistry vs. Compatibility.” We were discussing how when dating many times we tend to confuse chemistry with compatibility and as a result we will get into relationships and marriages based on the butterflies and lustful feelings, but without considering the functional things that help maintain a relationship. You should go check that one out and then come back to this one. Okay back to our regularly scheduled program! Okay so according to Trey you have now found “the one”….now come follow me…!
When we left off ya’ll were about to get married because you couldn’t keep your hands off each other and because it just “felt so right.” You knew in your hearts that you weren’t compatible, but the proposal was so nice, the wedding plans began, and this is going to be the big day to put on a show for all of your friends and family. Besides…all of your DIFFERENCES about finances, religion, family, kids, careers, ect…I’m sure you can compromise on all of that right!? WRONG! Does it really matter if you are Muslim and they are Christian? Does it really matter you I believe a woman should stay at home with the kids, but she wants to be the CEO of her corporation? Oh and y’all didn’t realize that that kid that he already has…oh yeah the child support check will be coming out of both of your pockets now, so you can’t get an attitude and say “that’s not my child.” I also hope you didn’t think that because y’all got married that she was going to stop giving you a hard time every time you want to go hang out with the fellas and watch the game because she is so insecure that she automatically assumes you are going to see a woman. You thought that just because he had a great sex drive that suddenly he was going to have DRIVE in real life didn’t you. You didn’t realize that marriage doesn’t change a lack of ambition and now you want to plan to have kids & a family of your own, but his ability to provide won’t allow it. HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM!!!!
So now you have been married for two years and frustration sets in. The arguing has started, the lack of communication begins to manifest, and all of those butterflies…yeah they died because it’s hard to focus on intimacy when the household is out of order and you are in a constant state of conflict. Remember how when he used to touch you your hormones would start raging; now when he touches you, you give him that look of disgust because you feel like he isn’t being much of a man at all. Oh and it doesn’t help that y’all still can’t agree on a church (remember he is Muslim and you are Christian) so it’s hard to even get on the same page spiritually. Now you are sitting in a divorce lawyers office and the lawyer asks…”well why are you looking to get divorced” and your response is…..yes you guessed it…”well we just aren’t compatible!”
What’s my point!? My point is very simple….starting a relationship takes chemistry, but sustaining a relationship takes compatibility. Many times we stack the deck against ourselves because the chemistry is so strong that we ignore the compatibility issues. Choosing a mate is not a business deal, but it definitely takes strategy. With that said I encourage you to date with a purpose and “Choose Wisely My Friends!”
Xklusive Thoughts Family get involved in the conversation: What are some things that should be discussed to find out if you are compatible with someone?
“Searching for that feeling tell me where is the magic.; let’s stay together until we’re ghost; I want to witness love , I’ve never seen it close…but I guess I got to find it first that’s why I’m really going off….Fireworks!”
These lyrics (from Drake’s song Fireworks) caught my ear while listening to my I-pod on a flight to Houston. After rewinding it about 5 times I thought to myself…Wow this is the story of so many people. It’s only natural for us to desire to love and to be loved, but I’m warning you….Be careful what you ask for. “Well Troy what do you mean by that!?” Why thank you for asking now keep reading and find out.
Finding love and building a healthy relationship is so much more than “Fireworks.” Many times we tend to confuse chemistry with compatibility and sometimes that can be the beginning to the end. I get it…he or she gives you butterflies, they send your hormones into a frenzy, and they make your heart skip a beat. We have all been there, but your heart skipping a beat doesn’t give you permission to skip over all the other things that may be vital for you to sustain a relationship. You see, those butterflies you get will give you a great feeling, but they won’t necessarily provide for your household. The hormones getting in a frenzy won’t compete if she gets into a frenzy every time you leave the house or don’t answer her call`. Oh and I didn’t mention that all that chemistry y’all have have won’t help y’all get along if y’all have no chemistry in your views as it pertains to finances, children, or religion. Are y’all following me yet?
Sometimes we want fireworks so bad and we want to be wanted so badly that we ignore this thing called strategy. I call it DATING WITH A PURPOSE! You must first decide if you are dating for entertainment or are you dating to find a mate!? That question alone should change your strategy. I understand…sometimes you get lonely and you just want some company or to go out with someone. The only issue you face is that many times you start blurring the line between being entertained and investing emotionally. The more you are entertained the more emotionally vested you become and then suddenly you start skipping steps. You see, you never really asked the right questions and you ignored any red flags. But now, you have started to like this person and suddenly you’re in or wanting a relationship.
So let’s fast forward: now you are two years in and you realize that y’all aren’t really compatible at all, but you have invested a whole 2 years together and you don’t want to feel like it was a waste. Y’all have so much fun together and you still have great chemistry though and you figure he or she will eventually change if y’all just talk about it. So y’all talk and talk and talk and talk…..and he or she seems like they are trying so it’s cool. WELP! suddenly he pops the question. And you have waited for this moment your entire life so you say YES!! Noooooooooooo! ……that’s me screaming at you because I know that suddenly the thoughts of that wedding just made you forget about the lack of compatibility y’all had in the first place. Well I’m running out of time but you can join me next week for the rest of the story! In the meantime…
XKLUSIVE THOUGHTS FAM….Get involved in the conversation…what are your thoughts on what may happen next?
The other day my wife and I had “the talk.” You know, the one about potentially bringing miniature versions of us into this world. Now that we’ve had the discussion, all l I keep seeing are rebellious teenagers, all I keep hearing in my ears is screaming and temper tantrums, all I taste in my mouth is smashed peas and carrots, and all I keep feeling is like I don’t have a clue about how to take care of someone who will be totally dependent on me. It’s almost surreal that I am even having that conversation, but it’s even more mind blowing that it’s very possible that in a few years I could possibly be someone’s father! I’m sitting over here sucking my thumb (okay not really, maybe sipping my beer) right now getting butterflies in my stomach and thinking “life just got real!”
Okay so first, you are telling me that not only do I have to deal with pregnancy hormones and go buy my wife ice cream and pickles in the middle of the night, but I also have to buy diapers, baby food, and formula. Geesh…you have to be kidding me! And ummmmm I don’t know how I feel about baby formula replacing my beer budget! There has to be some room to negotiate here or something. Oh and now you are telling me that I will have to wake up like 3 or 4 times a night just because the baby doesn’t feel like sleeping!? Don’t you know how much I enjoy my sleep and how cranky I am without my 8 hours?! Hold up…what did you just say….did you just say that my kid might have the audacity to pee or throw up on me after I already got dressed for work!? Now you know I can’t function when I am thrown off schedule!! Boy oh boy I might need to reconsider this talk we just had.
Well maybe I need to stop being so selfish and realize that a baby can’t help being helpless, plus he or she will be so cute that it won’t bother me as much as I think. That’s what I thought until you told me one day these kids will turn into teenagers and start driving me crazy. I don’t know how much eye rolling and talking back I will be able to deal with without ending up behind bars. Then you are telling me that my kids are going to be walking around with their little headphones on with their little I-whatevers, being lazy and acting entitled. They are going to want money for activities and trips and then they are going to want groceries as well, but they are going to act like they can’t do any chores. Huh…you have got to be kidding me, not after all this working I’ve been doing trying to make sure that my future family will be taken care of. Did you just say they are going to want to date other little boys or girls and I am going to have to have THAT “the talk” with them? Oh boy this can’t be life and my brain is starting to hurt.
Alright so I finally broke my pockets and got them off to college. They worked hard, got a degree so help me understand why on earth they are back at my door talking about they need a place to stay because they can’t find a job?! I thought our work was done! I thought the wife and I had the house to ourselves…just us, my man cave, her knitting room, and our Medicare benefits but now these kids are showing back up. Does it never end?
Hold up what’s that I hear…who is pregnant? Grandkids on the way….well maybe they won’t be so bad!
I guess y’all can see that I have played the scenarios out in my mind and I am sure my wife and I will be in for many surprises when we enter into parenthood, but I know one thing that I plan to have remain consistent and that’s that my wife and I plan to be very unselfish, and to support each other through the process. Today President Obama spoke at the Morehouse Commencement and he said one thing that stuck with me, he said “I know that when I am on my death bed one day I will not be thinking about any piece of legislation, or my Nobel peace prize; I will be thinking about that walk I took with my daughters….and that I did right by them!” I am sure parenthood won’t be an easy task, but I am sure about one thing and that’s that I will set the best example for my children that I possibly can!
Xklusive Thoughts Family get involved in the conversation: What are the biggest challenges of becoming a new parent?
It’s Friday and she is going away with the girls for the entire weekend! I’m thinking to myself…Oh it’s about to go down!!! She gives me a hug and a kiss and says “I love you!” and walks out the door. Suddenly the ceiling opens up, the sun begins to shine in, and I begin jamming in my head to the beats of the HBCU marching band. I’m high stepping! I’m playing air drums! Well…maybe I’m exaggerating because there is no band, just my Pandora station on high; but let me enjoy it because guess what….I GOT THE HOUSE AND WEEKEND TO MYSELF!! Now if I can just figure out what to do next….hmmmm!?
Maybe I will go to the bar, or a lounge or club with some of my boys. By the time I even get my thoughts together it’s like 8:00pm though and I’ve already yawned twice and suddenly that beer in the fridge and the basketball game on TV seems more and more appealing. Now instead of getting dressed for a night out on the town now, I’m sitting on my favorite part of the couch with some basketball shorts and a t-shirt on, watching the playoffs. Then suddenly I open my eyes just to realize that it’s midnight and I missed the entire second half. Dag! So I just roll over and stay asleep. Sounds exciting doesn’t it?
Well don’t judge me because guess what…I still GOT THE HOUSE AND WEEKEND TO MYSELF!
Okay Saturday morning comes and I can’t go out like a sucker because I fell asleep last night. I can’t get the weekend to myself and not go into man mode and go hit the streets….or can I? Okay so I wake up and get in a quick workout so I can make sure I’ve got some swagger for when I make my grand appearance back on the scene today. Although my intention isn’t to find another woman I should at least be able to turn a head or two shouldn’t I? Okay so I’m back from the gym and as I walk into the house I realize the yard looks a mess. My woman has been asking me to tend to it for weeks. Okay I have the entire day to myself so I might as well go ahead and take care of the yard…oh and while I’m at it I’ll put those curtains up that she has been bugging me about for a while now too. Since I’m already in the zone though let me turn this music up and vacuum this house. I hope you didn’t catch me singing and dancing to that old school Temptations song that came on Pandora while I was getting it in. Shhhhh…don’t tell anyone, I only do it when I GOT THE HOUSE AND WEEKEND TO MYSELF!
Whew… now I’m a little tired and I think a nap is in order before I have my exciting evening and night out on the town! I wake and WOW it’s already like 7:00 pm and I’m hungry so let me order a pizza or something. It’s my guilty pleasure because the wife loves to cook the healthy stuff! Doorbell rings…pizza gets eaten…now I’m full. I call my friends up and they say meet them out at 10:00pm. Remember I’m full though and my bed time is usually 11:00pm so yeah you guessed it…9:15 hits and I send out a text saying… “Y’all have fun guys; I’m not going to make it out tonight.” Another night with me, my pizza, my beer, and my television and you know what…I’m perfectly fine because I GOT THE HOUSE AND WEEKEND TO MYSELF!
Sunday morning rolls around and it hits me. I miss my woman! No I don’t miss her cooking and cleaning and doing stuff for me, I miss her presence and her spirit. I miss her touch, her hug, and her kiss. I’m even hoping that she ends up coming home a little early. I thought that I would have the most exciting weekend ever, but really I just enjoyed some time to myself and ultimately realized that I miss my best friend, my wife.
So what’s my point? My point is that as men we need our space and our time to have no pressure or obligations. When you leave for the weekend instead of thinking that we are out partying or looking for other women, just realize that most times we are just enjoying the time alone, with our beer, on our couch, watching the game. The most important thing to remember though is that at the end of the day we miss y’all! All we care about is that WE GOT THAT HOUSE AND THE WEEKEND TO OURSELVES!
P.S. Note that if you want to get something done around the house your best bet might be to just leave us alone for the weekend. You might come back to a renovated house! HA
Xklusive Thoughts Fam: Get involved in the conversation….what are some things that you enjoy about having the house to yourself?
“Sometimes it’s our fear of failure driving us more than our lack of desire.” This was the conclusion of one my inspirational social media motivational messages, but it may not be about what you think. No, I’m not talking about being afraid to chase your dream or start your own business. What I’m talking about is the fear that so many people have about entering into the covenant of marriage. It’s funny how marriage can be so beautiful, but as a society we have made it so ugly for so many people. Let’s talk about it…come follow me!
The more I coach clients about life and love the more patterns I begin to see. At least once a week I will speak with a client that is at a crossroads in their romantic relationships. They are at the intersection of what they feel, the “I want to be married,” and what they hear, the “don’t get married because it never works.” I think back to my journey towards marriage and honestly sometimes I can’t blame them; these two thoughts could not be any further away from each other and it’s hard to figure out which direction to go. I mean think about it…if you grow up in a home where neither your parents ever got married or if they were married it was far from a positive or pleasant experience, you may have a cloudy vision of what a successful marriage should be. Perhaps your parents argued every day and fought every night. . Maybe Dad never hugged or kissed Mom and you rarely ever heard him tell her “I love you;” and maybe all Mom ever did was tell you about how bad Dad was. Or maybe Mom had been married and divorced a few times leaving you with 2 different step dads, none of whom ever treated her like the queen she was. Another situation: maybe Dad cheated on Mom or Mom cheated on Dad and as a result you were cheated out of a positive example of what a “good” marriage is supposed to look like.
Do any Google query and there are many examples and statistics that could make you fearful of marriage. However, be mindful that there are many examples and statistics that should encourage you as well. Here’s one I hear thrown around more often than I like to hear, that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Ouch! But let’s get some silver lining in these dark clouds. Dig a little deeper, and we can find this statistic. Men that are married are 135% more likely to report a higher happiness score than single men. I won’t dive too much into stats because they can always be debated, but I would challenge you to focus on writing your own story in life and in love. Don’t let the “bad’ things that you hear, see or read deter you from finding the beauty that lies within the covenant of a beautiful marriage. Instead of being afraid to fail at and in it, be determined to succeed at it! When you find the person that you know, feel and desire to be “the one” don’t let the negativity of others fester in your head. Instead of looking at your parents’ bad relationship as your only example, seek out some people that are actually happily married. Stop treating marriage like products and deciding not to buy just because you read one bad review online. If you haven’t noticed, when people are bitter or upset about something it’s easy to share it with the world, but when they are happy you won’t always hear about how good things are. Instead of fearing the potential failure, invest with all you have and put in the effort to be the example that you may not have had! I’m not saying that marriage is for everyone, but what I am saying is don’t allow the story of your parents or your friends to stop you from writing your story…one that could be a fairytale in the face of others that have been nightmares.
In every other facet in life we love to claim to be leaders and not followers…so my question then is…why in the case of marriage should it be any different? Don’t let the misery of others make you miss out on the potential happiness that can belong to you and the one you opt to spend the rest of your forever with. Allow a healthy marriage to be the foundation for you and your family’s future. Believe it or not there is somebody watching you and they are hoping you succeed because they subconsciously want permission hit play instead of stop!
Xklusive Thoughts Family get involved in the conversation. Was there someone or a couple who either discouraged you or encouraged you about the idea of marriage?
LIGHT BULB I figured it out! Yup, the other day I had an epiphany and I think this epiphany could change the world. Are you ready to find out what it is yet?? Okay well since you twisted my arm here it is….now listen closely. It’s not that men are wrong or women are right, the fact is that we’re just different! Yup yup! It took me all these years to figure out that many times the disconnect that exists between men and women and husband and wife doesn’t come from one being “wrong” and one being “right”, it comes from the fact that we are just different. Lets explore this a bit!
Ladies how many arguments have you had with your man or husband about an issue because he didn’t do something that you assumed he would just do because to you it’s just intuitive? For example, you asked your man to wash the clothes. Ok! He goes and washes the clothes. You walk in the washroom and see the clothes still in the washing machine. You get a little attitude and say “babe I thought I asked you to wash the clothes!?” He says, “…I did.” Inside, you get infuriated because even though he did technically wash the clothes he didn’t bother to dry them, fold them, or put them up. You see ladies to him he completed the task at hand, but to you he is now a slack man because he didn’t do the things that you obviously would have done, which were wash, fold, and put away the clothes. Remember though…all you asked him to do was wash the clothes. Now does this mean that he is a lazy, inept man or does it mean that we are just different???
I often tell my female clients who are frustrated with their men that you can’t expect a man to hear what you never said. Let me say that again… “you can’t expect a man to hear what you never said!” The bottom line is that as men we follow instructions very well, but very rarely do we think outside of the task that was given to us. I’m not saying this is all men, but I am just saying that many times this is the case. I know many ladies are reading this article thinking “well why should I have to spell everything out for him, he should just know how to do it or know how things make me feel!” Okay ladies I get your frustration, but all I am trying to tell you is that even though that’s what YOU think we should do, that’s just not how WE operate. The minute you stop trying to understand the why, the sooner you will accept what is, and the less confusion there will be.
Okay now that we got that out of the way the second thing I want to address is the fact that sometimes our wife or woman thinks that as men we are cold because we aren’t emotional enough. I want it to be understood that it’s not that we aren’t emotional as men, it’s just that we express that emotion in a different way. Think about this…from a young age, men are usually taught to not show emotion, instead we are raised to FIX things. Little boy falls and scrapes his knee his mama hugs him and tells him it’s okay. His dad, on the other hand,tells him to get up, put a band aid on it and go back and finish playing. Hence: his mom feels and his dad fixes!
Think about this example: Let’s say you’ve had a bad day at work and you come home and say, “Oooooh let me tell you about what this heifer at work did today!” And proceed to vent for the next 7 minutes straight without taking a breath—your man may cut you off mid-sentence and say, “Ok. So what are you gonna do about it?” While you want to talk about it, he wants to figure out how to fix it! But you aren’t asking for a solution, you just want to talk about what happened and how it made you feel! That doesn’t make him wrong…it doesn’t make him right: it just makes us different! Further more, many times in relationships your man shows his emotion by what he does for you, how he provides for you, and how he protects you…he will express it by showing, while women may be more likely to express their feelings by telling them.
I believe that a lot of our disagreements and disconnects in relationships come not because we spend too much time arguing about who is right and not enough seeking understanding. The fact of the matter is that men and women are different beings and the sooner we embrace our differences and alter our behaviors and expectations accordingly the better off we will be. Instead of these differences being a wedge between men and women let’s use them as a bridge to connect and understand each other better
Xklusive Thoughts Fam…. Get involved in the conversation: What are some of the differences between men an women that would help us understand each other better?
Sometimes as men we are willing to compete to score points in everything but our relationships. Well I think it’s about time we start scoring again! It’s one thing to be in relationships by way of title, but sometimes your woman is miserable in the relationship and she is just too scared to tell you because she knows how sensitive you are. With that said let’s, talk about how you can WIN in your relationship by way of the POINT SYSTEM! Come follow me!
Points are psychological, emotional, and physical investments that you make into your relationship. Over time these investments will mature and it will later give you more options. These options will allow you to eventually live the lifestyle every man dreams of; the one where his Queen is happy but he still has the freedom to be his own man and do man things with his boys.
1) NO points for obligations/responsibilities:
OK, how many times have you heard your parents say something like “ I always made sure you had food on your table and clothes on your back.” The first thing I think when I hear that is…thank you, but that’s what you were SUPPOSED to do. I say that to say this…men tend to want credit and points for doing what they are SUPPOSED to do! You taking out the trash is what you are SUPPOSED to do. You making sure the yard is kept up, making sure your woman is safe and protected, that you are home at a decent time, that you are faithful…those are all things you are SUPPOSED to do. Thus. you get NO points for doing them. If you want points do something like…cook, wash her clothes, make sure the kids get a bath and get to bed at a decent time, change some diapers, and wash some dishes. Yes sir now you’re racking up points…oh and did I mention, do them all without her asking you to do them AND without throwing back in her face that you did them. Boy, boy, boy…I bet your woman is getting turned on right now as she reads this!
2) In the space or in the space:
The question you have to ask yourself is are you in the space, or are you IN the space? You see, just because you are at the house in presence doesn’t mean that she is getting the pleasure of enjoying your company. Between your TV, video games, Twitter, Facebook, texting, and work, you forgot about this thing called “quality time.”
example: If you are sitting on the couch on your computer and your woman comes over and lies up under you, that’s your woman’s sign that she wants some of your attention. At that point you have a few choices.
a) Shut the computer and show her some attention
b) Pull something up on the computer that both of y’all can both be engaged in. This ensures connectivity and also ensures that you are now IN the space.
The result will be…you guessed it…POINTS!!
What I’m saying is that it’s not good enough to just be in the space physically; you have to be IN the space mentally and emotionally also.
3) Get out of your comfort zone:
OK, this one has been hard for me to do. But, for the sake of my wife and my relationship, I have learned how important it is. As men, we tend to get in a comfort zone and stay there, thus we never want to try anything different. That’s why you’re still taking her to the same restaurants, still won’t travel to anywhere different, still won’t go with her to places she wants to go to, and still having sex the same way you always do. This feeds into a woman’s natural fear of getting old and bored. I am not saying you have to like everything, but I am saying you have to be willing to just TRY something different sometimes.
Testimonial: I am a very structured person. Me and spontaneity don’t usually go well together. And, it was starting to affect my relationship. Between my mirage of questions about, who, what, when, where, and how I would always take the fun out of anything my wife wanted to do. This was who I was until I had an epiphany one day. One day my wife out of the blue just said…”let’s go to Atlanta tomorrow.” My instinct was to ask a million questions, but instead this time I just took a deep breath and said “OK.” My wife nearly had a seizure because she couldn’t believe I just said “OK.” Her next words were, I don’t really want to go, but I’m happy just because you were willing to do it.”
You see that’s what we call INSTANT POINTS!! Sometimes no matter how hard it is to resist the temptation to ask a million questions or to say “no” if you just go with it sometimes and just TRY you will immediately accumulate points!
Your woman will know immediately if you like or hate something, but the fact that you tried will rack up points! I mean seriously, you want her to go to the game or watch the game with you, but you won’t go have sushi or go to that museum with her. Get out of your comfort zone and get into some points!
4) Forget date night
“Patterns” can be the root of all evil within the point system. If you take your lady out every Monday, over time – it just becomes “Monday” opposed to “date-night”. Spontaneity can cure this! Instead of drilling “date-night” down to one specific day, drill it down to specific weeks – make your lady stay on edge all week (psychologically – *notice the reoccurring theme) and strategically (when you know she will be available) call her the day of and tell her to be ready! How do I ensure she’s available? MAKE HER AVAILABLE! If y’all have kids, quietly get the sitter…If there are errands to be ran – RUN ‘EM! Take her out, make her feel sexy without the pattern, and ultimately earn you a load of POINTS while increasing the magnitude & frequency of how sexy your lady feels about herself; which exposes you (as the man) to more “SEXINESS”. The point is fellas, if you do the same thing at the same time it gets you NO POINTS! If you mix it up, it gets you POINTS for WHAT you do, along with WHEN & HOW you do it at the same time!
The reality is this…I know a lot of people are reading this blog probably thinking “if it takes all of this I’m better off being single!” Just know that if you find somebody worth the effort then just look at this like a construction project and we are all a work in progress. The concepts seem easy, but applying them is the hard part. I’m married and I’m still struggling to gain POINTS! Do yourself a favor and just try to execute these items and see where it gets you. Over the next few weeks I will be launching more ideas that will help you gain points! Just stay tuned!
Get involved in the conversation on twitter: What types of things do you do in your relationship to gain points? Use hashtag #SCORE
One year ago I said yes to the love of my life, but now 1 year later I’m saying no. Ok, ok, ok before you start saying “I told you so” or “I knew this marriage thing wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be” you need to know that I’m not saying no to my wife or my marriage…I’m saying no to a few other things. If you want to find out more about what those things are then come follow me!
First and foremost I have a confession to make. My confession is that I get scared! Ok there I admit it…as a young husband sometimes I get scared. Although becoming a man and growing into the role as a husband can be your sweetest dream ever, it can also be your biggest nightmare and sometimes I just want to crawl in the bed with my Mother and have her tell me it will be okay. When you become a husband and the head of a household, it comes with a lot of responsibility and accountability. I vowed and made a covenant under God that I would love, cherish, protect, and provide for my wife until death do us part and I don’t know about you but that’s a lot of promises!
I would be lying if I said that sometimes the thought of “what if I fail” doesn’t cross my mind. What if I get laid off and I don’t have the means to take care of her? What if someone puts her in harm’s way and I can’t protect her? What if I can’t figure out how to make the grass grow in our new yard and what if I can’t fix her car when it breaks down? Sometimes I have these thoughts and I want to run, but then I look myself in the mirror and I say “NO.” I say “NO” to the possibility of ever leaving because of fear and instead I embrace every challenge and continue to grow.
I have another confession to make. Sometimes I have trouble balancing it all. Many times as men we let our fear of failure push us to overcompensate by trying to guarantee success by working…then working…then working some more. We subconsciously think and assume that she understands because she must just know that all this working I’m doing is for “us”, our family, and our future. What we fail to realize though is that even though she is proud of us as her protector and provider she still desires her man, her friend, and her companion. She is cool with you working, but she still wants you to work her. She is fine with you looking at your computer and noticing that scratch on the screen, but she isn’t fine with you not noticing that she changed her hair or that she is wearing a new dress. Sometimes I find myself more tuned into my business station than my husband station not realizing I need to get back on her airwaves. With that said, 1 year in, I’m saying “NO!” I’m saying NO to not understanding how to balance work and wife. I’m saying NO to making my wife feel neglected just so that I can subconsciously stroke my own ego through working hard because it makes me feel more validated as a man. I say NO!
Okay one final confession and I will stop snitching on myself. My final confession is that I LOVE MY WIFE and I love this marriage thing so far! From the first time I met her almost 10 years ago I just knew I was going to marry her because everything about her and us was so right. In fact the first words I ever said to her were “so when are we getting married” (that’s a true story). I love her beautiful spirit, I love her smile, I love her natural hair, I love her beauty and her brains. I love the fact that she is corny but still cute while doing it, I love the fact that she is naturally clumsy and will trip over her own feet, but if you gave her something to present in front of a CEO she wouldn’t miss a step. I love the fact that she is a feminist because it makes for some great dinner time debates and conversation. Bottom line is that I love everything about her, including her imperfections. The thing I love most about her though is her selflessness and the fact that she respects and supports me as her husband. She allows me to be her King because I treat her like my Queen and I will never say “NO” to that!
One year ago I said “YES” and now one year later I’m saying “NO” to anything that stops me from being a good husband. I say “NO” to any ego trip or outside opinion that stops me from building my family and embracing the fact that this marriage is bigger than me. Everything in our marriage won’t always be perfect, but I am sure it will always be worth it! These are the tales of a young man and new husband and I hope you enjoyed them! Stay tuned because who knows what I will be saying next year!
Get involved in the conversation. What are some of the things you are saying “NO” to in your relationships? Respond on twitter mentioning @xklusive5 and Facebook using hash tag #ISAYNO!